How are you?
Friday Fragment #13
It’s a question that is sometimes asked insincerely, but then most of us use it more as a grammatical device than a genuine enquiry about the wellbeing of the person we’re about to begin talking to. It’s a polite starting point for communication: a place from which two people can start to interact in a more focused way. How are you? It’s an enquiry that confers more importance to tone than content, more to style than substance. Indeed, its tone can sometimes be enough to signal a wish not to begin talking. The word polite comes from the Latin politus – that which has been polished – a means to smoothing a passage into but sometimes alternatively away from discourse. Most of the time it’s a question we ask that we don’t need or care to have answered. At least not thoughtfully, not honestly and certainly not comprehensively. Answers can be just as cutting and insincere. Fine. You? The brevity of an answer will often set out the terms and conditions for any reciprocation. Taken literally, the question is asking us about the condition or quality of something; ‘how’ is an adverb that requires us to measure or assess. These words, somewhat rambling, appear here because this week I sat at the farmost platform of Westbury Station, waiting, and watching the sun lower and the shadows lengthen, lamenting the impotency of this very question; wishing that it wasn’t so often something that we relegate to a mere common civility, something that we exchange so quickly; wishing that we had more time and more confidence to gently encourage an answer and share more kindness.
‘Friday Fragment’ is an additional weekly instalment to my A Thousand Fragments monthly newsletter.
My father, a man of few words, taught us that words have meaning. We should speak only when we have something to say and when we are genuinely interested in hearing a response. It has always bothered me how our greetings have become co-opted in the manner you describe. If I intend to simply greet someone and be on my way I will say "Good morning" and carry on about my business. If I ask you, "How are you?" then I want to sit and chat for a bit because I really want to know. Thanks for sharing this with us.
I have some hope that the new generation are better at this than the old. The whole stiff upper lip nonsense is somewhat dying out, and my son tells me that he and his close friends often check in on each other with “are you doing ok?” Which genuinely invites more of an honest response.